Last Night

Last night, you dragged me home from the pub -drunk- after a drink too many of Chardonnay. And this morning, as I nursed my hangover, you  shared with me how scared you were last night. And yet, I have no recollection of the night’s events.

You are not the only one to tell me that you’re scared. My therapist says that my nihilist attitude scares her. My friends and family keep checking in on me, because they are afraid I might act on my suicidal thoughts. Strangers keep a distance and think twice before befriending me, because I scare them away.  And I know you have my well being in mind, I know you want the best for me, and you mean well when you check in on me. But, still, it hurts to know that I scare people.

Let me tell you how I feel. I’m scared too. I scare myself every night. And when I wake up in the morning, the fear is still there. I am scared by my suicidal thoughts and even more so that I can’t stop them. I am afraid that I might not be strong enough today and engage in self harm. I am scared by my bitter attitude, knowing that it pushes people away and leaves me on my own to fend for myself in this scary world. I’m scared of my urges to drink and smoke, because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to not act on those urges. I’m scared to look at my bottle of medication, because it triggers more fears. I wake up afraid, and go to sleep afraid; I can be my biggest enemy.

Last night, when you dragged me home and told me how scared you are, I wanted to hold on to you, keep you close, and tell you how scared I am. I don’t want to scare people away, because I know how it feels to be scared of myself. Last night you experienced what I experience every night. (and sometimes every day)

So please, when you feel afraid, know that I am just a frightened little girl and I need all the support I can get. I know it’s hard, but together we are stronger and together we can conquer our fears.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall…

You watch me
Wipe my tears away
Tear-stained kerchief
Lone star on the field.
You watch me
Apply extreme black mascara
Glittery eye shadow
Concealing puffy, red lids.
You watch me
And you’re silent
Don’t you know
That silence is consent…

You watch me
Spread a soothing layer
Of warm, vanilla cream
Atop my fading scars.
You watch me
Examine fingernail scratches
The sad evidence
To hellish dreams.
You watch me
And still, you’re silent
How could you?
Silence is consent…

You watch me
Don a pair of jeans
As I silently hope
For it to be alright.
You watch me
Comb through my hair
As I try to embrace
Another day of struggle.
You watch me
In absolute silence
If you only knew
That silence is consent…

You watch me
Swallow another pill
And you know deep down
It won’t fix anything.
You watch me
Smother on lipstick
Trying to feel pretty
When all I feel is self-hate.
You watch me
And you’re silent
Mirror on the wall,
Silence is consent…

Breaking The Silence

Fake smile
dried eyes
scratched wrists
bruised thighs

white pills
rope tied
gun loaded

suicide.

There, I’ve said it. The word. The word that has killed people in pain, has torn families and friends apart and has been ignored for far too long. And I’m here to change that. No, my words cannot change the world, but maybe it can ignite a small flame. A flame that with the help of others can turn into a fire too big to be extinguished by turning a blind eye.

Suicide. It is real. It’s out there consuming everything in its way. To suicide it doesn’t matter if you smile on the street and what others think. To suicide it doesn’t matter that nobody is aware of the fatal struggles taking place in the battlefield of your own heart. To suicide it doesn’t matter how many Facebook friends, Instagram followers, phone calls, family dinners or parties. When suicide strikes, you’re out.

I, myself, have dealt with suicidal thoughts for quite some time. I’ve contemplated my end and struggled to fight the urge. Yes, it is hard to fight alone. People struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings generally feel very isolated and alone. They tend to feel like there is absolutely nobody out there who would care enough should they choose to disappear forever. They believe (and when I say believe I mean believe with utmost certainty), they are a burden to society and they will make everyone’s life easier by leaving.

You might argue that those thoughts aren’t rational. I will agree with you. But I will also tell you that suicide transcends logic. And when a person reaches that point it is a point of no return. Those thoughts, beliefs and emotions become who they are until there is nothing left of them but an emptiness that only death can cure. It’s frightening. And it’s not the kind of scary that passes after the movie is over. Because, whether we’d like to admit it or not, more people are hiding behind a facade than what we think. And so many of them are family, neighbors and good friends.

And therefore, I am writing today. If you have a friend who’s distancing or isolating him/her self, please, please reach out. If your friend’s smile doesn’t reach their eyes please ask them how you can be of help. If your friend talks of life as if it’s over, please tell them that you are there for them. And if your friend seems to be suffering, please reassure them that you care and they are not alone. Don’t believe them when they tell you they are fine. Behind the words ‘I’m fine’, lie the biggest demons.

You might be the one to save a life. We have lost too many and we cannot afford to lose any more. Reach out. Show your friends and family that you care. I am here today to write this, because people cared enough to worry about me. And I am eternally grateful to my lifesaver. And I know that I can only repay him by letting the world know that suicide doesn’t discriminate. Suicidal thoughts happen to the best of us and nobody deserves to suffer alone.

Now. Now is the perfect moment to reach out. Place that phone call. Send that text message. Check in with your fellow friends. You might be the person to prevent the next tragedy.

And to those of you suffering of suicidal thoughts. You are not alone. Please, reach out for help. People care for you; a lot more than you think they do. Nobody wants you to suffer alone. There are many resources out there that can help you. Been there, done that. And I am glad to be here today.

Life does get better.

Thank you to all of my good friends. And thank you, Mordechai. This one is for you, for you have saved my life.